Exciting

I'm tired. It's the kind where your mind is rushing a mile a minute, perhaps even perfectly sound logical thoughts, but it has left your body behind some time ago. My very bones feel like they need to sink into the sleep of Rip Van Winkle-- who slept through his youth; it's as if the very sleep they cry for would only harm them. It's the kind of tired that busyness makes you.

And I'm not unhappy. I'm sitting in my parent's living room, listening to good music, watching the lives of all the birds whose company they have cultivated race around the backyard: orioles, mourning doves, hummingbirds... And petting my sweet kitty. The marine layer is in place, so we don't have perfect blue skies, just grey, but the sunlight is shining fiercely on the runner beans' leaves in the garden-- so some of them are light green, others dark, all of them bright and beautiful and full.

I am at peace in this place; full with the knowledge of the grace, mercy, and love of our Savior. At peace here like I never thought I could be four years ago, when I was being both gently pushed out towards Hillsdale and running away as fast as I could. Four years ago, just finishing high school, freewheeling in disaster and bad decisions, I never imagined how much time could mature-- well, time being the modus operandi for our Lord to work miracles of understanding, repentance, and happiness.

I don't need him for the joy of God to be in my heart. I could fully continue to live this life, and I could be at peace. He doesn't complete me. No one but God can do that. But now that I've found him, I've found someone I can trust to do the best for the two of us together, no matter how hard it may be. I respect him. I love him. I don't like living without him now. I want to be with him. I want to fight every part of my selfish, restless nature to be with him for the rest of our lives.

And that's exciting.