Questions of Revelations

Every scar has a story. I'm looking at the one on the ankle bone of my right leg. It's about an inch long and still red. It's barely finished healing and I got it shaving back at the beginning of September, the day I went with Andrew, Cameron and Patrick to see Phantom of the Opera. It took most of the day to stop bleeding; I actually had to wrap it to keep pressure on it. I was nervous. And, in truth, every time since then that I've gone to shave that part of my leg, I get nervous again. Nervous because of the pain- nervous to get hurt again.

Some scars you can't see. You don't even know they are there in yourself or another person until something similarly sharp comes near the area that holds that scar. Then you catch the flinch. That quick closure of the eyelids combined with the slight movement backwards. It might be because of someone else's actions- or your own, but it doesn't really matter. You're still scarred.

The only thing that it seems that you can do is own your scars. Find them, and know them for your own. Every scar is a lesson. Every scar is a moment in time when you learned, when I learned, that some actions are incorrect and cause pain.

I was listening to Colbie Calliat's newest CD, Breakthrough, and the song called Fearless. Some of the lyrics of the song say, "I'm fearless...If it's between loving and losing or to never have known the feeling, then I still side with love. And if I end up lonely, at least I will be there knowing: I believed in love."

I'm not fearless. God has been doing His work in my heart; teaching me to trust again after I wasn't careful enough and fell. I'm scared that any step out in faith will ruin all the progress made, but isn't that the actual opposite? Isn't the truth that if I don't do anything with what I've learned, it is meaningless?

I think I trust you. I want so badly to know if I actually can. Or I want to find out if that matters- if I don't have the choice; if my heart has already made that decision for me. I'm not going to turn my whole being to orient myself around you. I'm not going to make plans about the future based on what you hope to be doing. I'm not going to be crazy and analyze every detail about what you say or do. But I'm going to trust you. I'm going to trust that what you say, you mean. I'm going to believe you're being straightforward with me. I'll look forward to seeing you, but I won't hinge the happiness of my entire day on it. I'm not going to give you my heart yet, either. So I won't ask you not to break that. I'll ask you not to break my trust.

Fight. Hope. Pray.

I did the right thing. I did the right thing. Forget you, depression! Forget you annoying listless pain that has me crumpled. FORGET YOU! I did the right thing! I saw the verses, I remembered the lessons I'd already learned, and I acted the way I believed I should. I shouldn't feel like I'm dying! Proverbs 19:2- Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. 1 Corinthians 10:13- No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of excape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7- Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. IT does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. I'm sure of next to nothing right now, except that my God is good, and that He has ordained my path. I know that I'm hurting right now- I'm upset that both paths hurt. The path where you give in and run towards the thing you want, and the one where you step back and say you need time. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth. Then took the other as just as fair and having perhaps the better claim because it was grassy and wanted wear though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same." This does not have to be so dramatic. I just can't live through the same kind of thing as those last months of high school again. My soul can't survive that kind of disobedience and pain again. I wish that some decisions were more clear-cut, more obvious. I wish I wasn't second-guessing myself. I wish I were a stronger, wiser, better, person.
What's sad is that I am more of all of those things since the last time I came up against this. God has brought me so far- and I've heard righteousness is it's own reward, but I don't think of myself, ever, as righteous. Right now I feel sick. I don't want to do anything, except sprint- feel the perfect rolling stride across the pavement, taking me further and further from problems, but that isn't an real solution. That's just running away.
And I'm not about running away. I'm not about rushing in where angels fear to tread. I'm going to stand my ground and fight.
And hope. Pray I did the right thing.

What About Romans?

Reckless. What does that even mean? Where does it come from? Old English, apparently. Given to unthinking boldness. That sounds just about perfect. I just want to go out into the darkness, walk any direction. Just me and my Chucks against the pavement, striding to who knows where and getting there by the second. Let last night's soundtrack play in my mind as I pace out the new dimensions of my world. I do not want it to be small. I don't have all the answers I want. I will not plunge headlong into this without guidance. I will not run towards something that could hurt me, or someone else, as badly as I know that it could. I remember that pain. I remember drowning in it, as someone would in mud- not even able to struggle to regain some measure of light or the faintest taste of sunshiney air. I remember that place. I also remember the One who took me from it, cleaned off the evidence of my mistakes, and showed me how to breathe again. How to fight again. I will not run back to that place.
Even though this one seems different. This one feels... cautious. Has the warmth of kindness. Might actually like me for who I am, not what I possess. But, I can't tell for sure. How could I? AH! Insert scream of frustration, which was actually more like a sigh. Who cares about encircling arms, beautiful hands and eyes, soft and affectionate whispers? Who cares about feeling protected by a human being? I can lie to myself and say that none of that matters, but it would still be a lie.

Cautious. What does that word even mean? Prudently watchful in the face of danger or risk; the exercise of forethought usually prompted by fear of danger. Wow. Forethought. Romans. I should have known!

Suffocating and Lost

It's suffocating.
The problems I cause tumbling down on me,
or rather gathering together in my lungs-
I cannot breathe.
I cry and gasp a little-
bury my face in my pillow some more,
except there isn't really a pillow there,
it's just air.
A sob escapes just as the wind blows across my face
takes it away from me as soon as it's emitted.
I'm lost.
The decisions I've made leading me to this place
or rather things I decided not to decide still are a decison made
I cannot find my way.
My head whips around, searching,
the maze of this tall-grassed field,
except there isn't really grass here
it's just open space.
I'm suffocating on oxygen and I'm lost in free space.

Only because I walked away from my life Source.
Only because I'm a fall with a disease called sin.
It takes the form of pride, of bad decisions, of fear.
And I allow it to slay me when I don' t trust my God to be my everything.
I'm in a battle and I'm pretending that I'm safe.
What could possibly be more dangerous?

God, help me to see that I need to be close to You.
I need to worship You because You are worthy of all praise;
and because it's what I was made for.