Ocean, Light, and Anywhere Else.

Barefoot, I step toward the sound it makes. Water rushes forward to meet me and I almost turn back around, swayed by the sudden headache from the cold. Walk in slowly, letting the waves hit my body slowly higher and higher, basking in the difference between their frigidity and the sunlight on my still-dry hair. And then there's finally the moment where I can't take any more of this slow stuff and dive under the next wave, headfirst, sinuously weaving my body under the surface and above the sand. Coming up at the end of breath just feels natural; it's almost as if the water is helping me to do it. Back in the sunlit world, I see giant coastal birds are flying so close to the curling waves, it seems that they are surfing them.

The salt water burns my throat and stings my eyes and the sand in the wax on the board scratches my knees and the board doesn't have any fins, so I know I'm guaranteed not only pain, but fail as well. None of this changes my mind. Because, able to stand or not, there is nothing like riding the waves. To start out, trying to stand on your own two feet, buffetted by enormous waves so much stronger than you, tired- and then to grab that board, pull yourself on and paddle at the right moment, and conquer what was just attacking you- nothing compares. Laughing with your best friend as the waves topple you, time and time again, but still chasing down that feeling- still free.

I'm going to miss the light of home. There is something different about it that I can't name. But it draws me in, entices me, leaves me breathless and somewhere in the past. Sitting in the light of dusk, I can feel other summers I've known, other twilights with other people, other emotions. I sit and drink it in, restlessly comfortable, if that is possible. Missing faces, experiences, but gloriously aware of the present and the opportunities of the future.

Aware that my past, present, and future are all in the hands of a loving God- who is more powerful and awesome than I can begin to understand- but who, all the same, has woven my life into His plan. Whether I'm in my hometown, Michigan, or anywhere else.

The Scars We Choose

Sometimes music lyrics can say exactly what is in you. Sugarland does tonight. I was driving home from hanging out with friends, listening to "Take Me As I Am":

"I know these corners, I know these streets; curbside prophet there yelling at me. He can save my soul for a drink and a dollar. Yeah, he's yelling about my tattoos; we all live with the scars we choose. They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger."

I like the truth of those words. There's a lot of things I'm tired of, I guess. But I'm tired of hypocrisy. We do all live with the scars we choose. And my tattoos are me- choosing to live with scars that represent the good on the outside, instead of living with the hurt of the bad on the inside. My tattoos are the most important lessons I've learned.

The first one is a dagger (sword) with the words "bought with a price" on it. The dagger is supposed to represent the Bible, which is called the Sword of the Spirit. To me it portrays the fact that I believe God's word is strong, sharp and double-edged- and it protects me. The words come from 1 Corinthians 7: 23 as well as 6:20. "You were bought with a price: do not become slaves of men." "For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body."
I got that tattoo after a series of mistakes I made during which I doubted God's promise, I did not glorify Him with my actions, and I think I did become a slave of men. I'll never understand why I acted the way I did, except to say that I let my insecurities get the better of me.

The important thing is that God is Truth. The important thing is that the words of Him are true, and they are strength. So, if God says that I am His, that He shed the blood of His Son on a cross milleniums ago to buy me- then I am His. Truly and honestly then I need to seek Him and care for nothing but His glory.

I guess that's an intro to my second tattoo.

I'm a college senior. This means about a hundred times a day I am asked what I'm going to do after I graduate. I am sick of this question. I try to use it to glorify God- to demonstrate that I am committed to seeking His will for my life. I say, "I don't know yet- I'm just waiting for God to let me know" or "I'm not sure, but I know God is!" or "I don't really know, I think God is teaching me obedience and preparing me to follow Him no matter where He tells me to go."

I'm really tired of even other Christians looking at me askance- as if this isn't a real answer. As if waiting on God is some sort of cop-out.

Because it isn't. It's what we're supposed to be doing- always. I know what lost feels like. I know what it means to not have a direction and to not know where to even begin. But I never need to feel like that again, because I am a Christian- and I follow Christ.

So my tattoo is a compass. Around the edge, in what is probably really bad Latin but what I choose to demonstrate my heart, it says, : O God, be my course (or direction) and the love of my life. Instead of the compass directional points N, S, E, W, I have the bible verses that God has most used in my life to comfort and lead me.

Job 33: 28 "He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light." When I was in middle school, I was sincerely depressed until God sent someone in my life to really show His character to me in everyday life (instead of just during the highly charged atmosphere of summer camp). Over time, I learned that life was not darkness- not with God. He taught me to love life- and to laugh.

Psalm 27: 13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Sometimes life is a waiting game. But, God is good- we may be waiting for something that we've been praying for, but that doesn't mean we need to be idle, or that God doesn't have anything else on the table for us. Our hope is for the next world, but there is so much goodness to be had in God's plan here on earth- in the land of the living.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." This is a never-fail good advice for my life. If I'm lost and I have no idea where to go or what to do there is always this. And it's what got me through some of my toughest semesters at college.

Deuteronomy 10:21 "He is your praise and He is your God, who has done these great and awesome things for you which your eyes have seen." This is in the North position. The steadfast, always true, always where my needle should be pointing is toward giving God glory. That's what I want. That's why I went to college, an obedient daughter. That's why I love working at a Christian summer camp. Because God is amazing. He has done great and awesome things. And I have seen them. He is the Creator of everything- and He is good.

I want to serve and follow Him. I am His.

And I want the scars I live with to reflect that.

An Intergovernmental Military Alliance

I miss your voice.
I'm sitting here on my bed in my sunshine yellow room, vibrant green shorts on- staring out at a grey-cloud strewn sky. Here. How can this be? I thought I lived in San Diego, California. I thought I lived in a world without rainclouds- in a field of daisies. Or it could be posies, I guess. The memory is vague, but colorful.

I guess I did until I drove away from you in that parking lot. Since then, I've shed tears over you. What is this nonsense?

Gosh, I don't know what I'd do if the iceplant had lost its color as well. The problem is: it's on the ground and my head has always been up in the sky. Formerly blue sky.

I never really know what to expect from a summer. They've all been so different. I thought I had a pretty good handle on how this one would go though. I expected paintball and ropes and base camp, for the most part. I expected climbing wall and archery and the midweek breakdown at Kid's camp, and the phenomenal bounce-back, a veritable ricochet of emotions. I expected to find nothing new, nothing attention-grabbing and significant from this world. I expected God to keep me stalwart. Strong only in Him. I thought I had wrapped my heart up and carefully stowed it away in a place where it could peacefully love my co-workers and the campers it came across and serve God. I expected some hard times, but for the most part, to coast through this summer soaking up the love of Christ.

I did not expect you.

I didn't expect a rollercoaster of new experiences to pursue, and new lessons to learn. I didn't expect to be enthralled- to find a soul who could possibly be so close to mine. I didn't expect that level of kindness and closeness and openness. I didn't expect to find someone I would so respect in terms of manliness, strength, godliness, and willingness to feel.

You walked into that office, different than I expected. I was excited to finally meet you, but I was excited about all the summer staff who were coming up. I started to get to know you slowly, but now what can I say? I didn't think I'd find a best friend.

You make me want to dive into life headfirst. All the things that I haven't yet done because I've been busy or "obedient" or lazy, you've made me want to do. Just thinking about the life you're inspiring me to lead makes the adrenaline race, it feels, from my heart to my fingertips- as if somehow what I'm typing could be made into action by its presence. It can't, of course. I have to make my life my own. I had a good start before I met you, but now I know some courses have to be made from scratch.

Here's the thing: it is possible to do that.

I think what I've learned from you is that I'm not broken. I think what you've taught me is that no matter what, my past doesn't have to be a leash on my future. Not if I don't let it. It's okay to dream; to pick a course and to pursue it to its conclusion. Even if I have to bulldoze and level the ground- and pick out all the ground cover, watering liberally. God can use us no matter how many times we've screwed up- we can repent. He'll turn us back to Himself and all along we've been a part of what His plan for this world is.

So- maybe you've taught me what God meant you to- you've blessed my life enough, maybe. Maybe it's okay if we never meet again. But I don't want it to be like that

and I hope you don't either.