Where Once Was Darkness...

I hate waking up before the sun. It's seven o' clock in the morning here, Christmas Day. The sky is dark grey and cloudy- no star could be seen here. Even the white of the snow on the ground fails to truly relieve the darkness of the world. Gusts of wind shake not only the trees outside, but our entire house. It sounds cruel out there. On this of all days, I am reminded that we have an adversary who seeks us; prowls around like a roaring lion. He has no need of sleep and can go anywhere that pleases him. He pliantly searches out all of our fears and weaknesses- he brings the worst of us out into the open and attempts to exploit it for his own purposes. He wants to bring us down with him- and he knows his time is short.

He knows what his future is; he can constantly see God's wrath and a lake of fire before his eyes. And he knows what our future could be- in the presence of the Almighty and Everlasting God, where he can never again enter.

The thing about this darkness outside is that, in about an hour or so, the sun will break it. Its full radiance may not break through the dark barrier of these storm clouds, but it will become light outside. And on this of all days, the light will again shine on the deeds of men. It's important to remember, here in the darkness- where despair so easily engulfs, where the wind howls, and the heart within you shrinks with fear: the debt has been paid, the gulf has been bridged, and the battle for our souls- won. Jesus, whose birth we celebrate this day, came to the earth. Fully God, yet born a man- to live as one of us, to be a witness to the actions of the adversary on earth, to teach and to assist, to die, horribly, and finally to rise again from the grave- thereby becoming our hope fulfilled.

So in the darkness, in the utter despair that sometimes seems to be our world in this time before the second coming, it is so important for us to believe,

There shone a Great Light.

During the Miserable.

What to say, what to say, what to say. I've never felt less in control. I've never felt so completely unable to step back. I'm scared. I'm afraid this boy is going to break my heart. I'm scared of how much I want to be around him. I've never been this girl. Never. You know, except when I was little and my mom or dad went away and I slept with some article of their clothing that smelled like them. But that's legitimate. That's an okay thing to do. Crying because he hasn't called me? When his phone is broken? Come on now. I understand that its more like one barely shed tear and not really crying, but this is ridiculous. For the sake of my sanity and self-respect thank goodness Christmas break is coming up. At least I'll have time away from him to get a grip on myself and figure out what I really feel and/or need.

Because what I feel now is ridiculous. What is this contentedness when we hold hands and talk to our friends during lunch? What is this happiness from when he tells me I'm beautiful? What is the tinge of sadness when we say goodbye, even for only a few hours? It's ridiculous. I never wanted any one person to have this much effect on me. I feel like I'm not sure how to breathe sometimes. Almost like I forget or something. He believes in me.

This is difficult. It's hard for me to put it into words. I think that the point of a relationship is -- AH! I don't want to go there right now. I don't want that far into the future because we can't see the future- we don't know what's there. In the end, life doesn't really matter that much, because our afterlife is sealed with the blood of Christ. Sealed. I know what the end is. But I wonder if the journey is going to break me.
What an emo. Come on now. ... I guess as long as I'm being emo, I might as well go write about the Sophists... because, hey, I'm not having a good time anyways. Might as well get papers done during the miserable.