During the Miserable.

What to say, what to say, what to say. I've never felt less in control. I've never felt so completely unable to step back. I'm scared. I'm afraid this boy is going to break my heart. I'm scared of how much I want to be around him. I've never been this girl. Never. You know, except when I was little and my mom or dad went away and I slept with some article of their clothing that smelled like them. But that's legitimate. That's an okay thing to do. Crying because he hasn't called me? When his phone is broken? Come on now. I understand that its more like one barely shed tear and not really crying, but this is ridiculous. For the sake of my sanity and self-respect thank goodness Christmas break is coming up. At least I'll have time away from him to get a grip on myself and figure out what I really feel and/or need.

Because what I feel now is ridiculous. What is this contentedness when we hold hands and talk to our friends during lunch? What is this happiness from when he tells me I'm beautiful? What is the tinge of sadness when we say goodbye, even for only a few hours? It's ridiculous. I never wanted any one person to have this much effect on me. I feel like I'm not sure how to breathe sometimes. Almost like I forget or something. He believes in me.

This is difficult. It's hard for me to put it into words. I think that the point of a relationship is -- AH! I don't want to go there right now. I don't want that far into the future because we can't see the future- we don't know what's there. In the end, life doesn't really matter that much, because our afterlife is sealed with the blood of Christ. Sealed. I know what the end is. But I wonder if the journey is going to break me.
What an emo. Come on now. ... I guess as long as I'm being emo, I might as well go write about the Sophists... because, hey, I'm not having a good time anyways. Might as well get papers done during the miserable.