Questions of Revelations

Every scar has a story. I'm looking at the one on the ankle bone of my right leg. It's about an inch long and still red. It's barely finished healing and I got it shaving back at the beginning of September, the day I went with Andrew, Cameron and Patrick to see Phantom of the Opera. It took most of the day to stop bleeding; I actually had to wrap it to keep pressure on it. I was nervous. And, in truth, every time since then that I've gone to shave that part of my leg, I get nervous again. Nervous because of the pain- nervous to get hurt again.

Some scars you can't see. You don't even know they are there in yourself or another person until something similarly sharp comes near the area that holds that scar. Then you catch the flinch. That quick closure of the eyelids combined with the slight movement backwards. It might be because of someone else's actions- or your own, but it doesn't really matter. You're still scarred.

The only thing that it seems that you can do is own your scars. Find them, and know them for your own. Every scar is a lesson. Every scar is a moment in time when you learned, when I learned, that some actions are incorrect and cause pain.

I was listening to Colbie Calliat's newest CD, Breakthrough, and the song called Fearless. Some of the lyrics of the song say, "I'm fearless...If it's between loving and losing or to never have known the feeling, then I still side with love. And if I end up lonely, at least I will be there knowing: I believed in love."

I'm not fearless. God has been doing His work in my heart; teaching me to trust again after I wasn't careful enough and fell. I'm scared that any step out in faith will ruin all the progress made, but isn't that the actual opposite? Isn't the truth that if I don't do anything with what I've learned, it is meaningless?

I think I trust you. I want so badly to know if I actually can. Or I want to find out if that matters- if I don't have the choice; if my heart has already made that decision for me. I'm not going to turn my whole being to orient myself around you. I'm not going to make plans about the future based on what you hope to be doing. I'm not going to be crazy and analyze every detail about what you say or do. But I'm going to trust you. I'm going to trust that what you say, you mean. I'm going to believe you're being straightforward with me. I'll look forward to seeing you, but I won't hinge the happiness of my entire day on it. I'm not going to give you my heart yet, either. So I won't ask you not to break that. I'll ask you not to break my trust.